Triggers

Much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I, like many people all over the world have had my life turned upside down in the last week. In many ways it feels like my house was blown away in a tornado and I am now living in a fantasy world completely unlike the one I actually know. I am locked up at home, social distancing a much as possible when I go out, and my main means of income have drastically changed from what I know it to normally be. In the average person this is plenty of reason to be uncomfortable. In the average person this is reason to panic, as we can see from the lack of toilet paper and bread in the grocery store shelves. But what about the not so average person? What about those of us who have a history of trauma, a history of abuse, a history that might be getting triggered for a variety of reasons that you would never expect?

Triggers are funny like that. They pop up when you least expect them. Things that seem totally unrelated all of a sudden render you feeling breathless and on the verge of a panic attack. Sadly, for many survivors that are currently going through abuse, they may now be cooped up with their abuser. For a lot of parents that have kids at home and are still working, they may be unknowingly putting their kids at risk because they are having to leave their kids with someone they think they know or trust but wouldn’t normally leave them with. For parents and victims out there alike, if the scenario I just described sounds like you... TELL SOMEONE. And keep telling. Someone will believe you. Parents, talk to your kids, period. But back to triggers.

When I was a kid, I felt safest outside. I hated being cooped up inside. Well guess what, most of my abuse occurred inside and I always felt like outside, I could run away. Outside I could escape. To this day I love being outside. The sense of freedom of knowing I can escape. I have never been afraid of the great outdoors. Now nighttime is a whole different story. If you are like me, being cooped up inside could be causing a lot of anxiety. I am ok and I can tell you why. I lock my doors. Always. I am never alone in my house without my doors locked. All the locks. And I have my cat. She protects me. But it’s not about me. What if being alone brings on feelings of isolation (literally and figuratively) of a time when we all felt like we were the only ones in the world carrying this secret, the only ones out there this had happened to? What if the first person you told didn’t believe you and being isolated brings back memories of that?

My biggest fear in all of this, my biggest trigger is a feeling of helplessness. I am not even a little bit scared for myself. I will be fine. I’m durable, always have been. But I am terrified for my parents, both of them are 100% in the categories of totally screwed if they get this. There is so much in my life I can control and I am a bit of a control freak. I hide it pretty well, most of the time. It’s the things that I can’t control that I hate. It’s the things that I can’t control that scare me the most. It’s why I hate dating so much. I can’t control the other person. I loved swimming for a few very basic reasons. I was in control. I could control how good or bad I was. I could control if I worked hard or didn’t. I could control if I choked at a meet or didn’t. It was all me, and I loved that. I have never had a problem admitting or acknowledging when I didn’t try or didn’t want to do something, because that in and of itself is still being in control. I chose not to try; I chose not to do it.

I hate not being in control. It scares me. There are things in life we can’t control and when I am faced with them, I revert back to a scared little kid. I feel that way now. My mom is my best friend, she was the one that was there for me during my abuse, she was the one I have talked to the most throughout the years about this and I can’t control if she gets sick or not. All I can do is sit a million miles away and give advice. To her and my dad. So, if you are struggling, if you are having some triggers, so flashbacks to trauma or fear, you are not alone. Even those of us that seem the most together, that might seem the strongest, we get scared too. We are all in this together and it will be ok. I do know that. You will be ok too. You know how I know that? Because it has to be. It has to be.