Friends always have your best interest at heart. That being said, sometimes their best intentions can seem like they are contradicting one another. I am forever being told that I don’t put myself out there, that I don’t give people chances, and that I don’t open up enough. Yet when I do put myself out there, when I do open up, and when I do decide I want something, if it doesn’t fit the deemed appropriate timeline I am then told to move on, that I deserve something better, and that I wait around for too long in situations that aren’t good for me.
Photo by Gabriele Stravinskait
The very nature of these two conversations are in fact polar opposite. The fact of the matter is that there is no right timeline and everyone’s timeline is unique. What works for one person may not work for someone else and it may not even work for the same person more than once. While friends do care about you, you are the only one that will really know what is going on in any situation, be it a job, a relationship, or any other type of situation.
Is it important to put your self out there, yes, is it important to open up and not judge too quickly. It is equally important to give people chances and sometimes you have to wait a minute to allow the other person to open up to you; to let you in. It’s not always about you opening up to them, they might also need to open up to you. This is where it gets tricky, especially when you have a history of trauma. At what point do you jump in and say, “hey, I’m freaked out?.” The opening up process goes two ways, the forming of trust. As adults, the odds of two people entering into any form of relationship, friendship or otherwise without any baggage is next to impossible.
Everyone has baggage. It comes in different shapes and sizes, some of it is newer and some of it is older or vintage as I like to think of it, but it is baggage non-the-less. The process of two people taking time to put aside their fears is just that, taking the time to do so. The key word here is time. Is there a point where one can wait too long, sure, but again everyone’s timeline is different and it all depends on from where you are coming; from where you both are coming.
Some of my best qualities are also my worst qualities. I am stubborn, opinionated, untrusting, and unforgiving. I am also loving, fun, and loyal to a fault. Each of these qualities can be a strength and a weakness depending on the situation. While most people view being untrusting and unforgiving as bad qualities, I have no problem with either of them and I have no wish to change either characteristic. I formed both personality traits as defense mechanisms to life situations and both these traits have served and protected me well throughout my life. Have they limited me from potentially meeting people, sure, but the benefit has outweighed the cost in my mind.
The fact of the matter is the people in my life that wanted to be in my life made the effort to be there and my untrusting nature didn’t deter them. Likewise, these same people have never done anything to me that needed my forgiveness, so my being unforgiving hasn’t been an issue. I know what I want and I’m not wishy washy. I make decisions easily, quickly, and with finality. I can tell you this makes other people very uncomfortable but does not bother me at all. I have learned to not tell people what I want or that I’ve made a decision because it makes them uncomfortable, but it doesn’t change my course of action or the path I’m headed on.
We are who we are, and those that love us will accept the nuances of our personality. But even as out friends and partners accept and love us, we still all have our own path and sometimes we are the only ones that know that path as we are the only one on it.