Screenshot from: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trigger
As a survivor, we can begin to learn what our triggers are. It takes time, but after lots of experience we figure out what they are. We learn to steer clear of them and we can we learn to steer into them, much like we are taught when skidding on ice in our cars. The key is knowing what they are. But like black ice, you can’t always see some triggers coming. Triggers are hard, regardless of the circumstances, but when they take you by surprise, or when you don’t know that something is a trigger, the trigger and the surprise of it can be overwhelming.
A week ago, a picture that was very important to me disappeared. It was on Facebook and it was untagged or taken down or something. I don’t know, I honestly don’t. At some point, I had saved it, but after various computers who knows where it was, and my current computer didn’t seem to have it. This picture had been on Facebook for 10 years. It honestly never occurred to me that it would go away, and I never really realized how important to me it was. For three days in a row, I panicked, cried, and freaked out. It’s taken a minute to get some perspective.
If you look at the picture it’s not such an amazing picture, but it’s what the picture represents. It represents a time in my life and a memory that represents something larger. It was this memory that I got upset about. This memory was the trigger. It was something I knew I had unresolved issues about, but I had no idea the depths of anger, sadness, betrayal, and a plethora of other emotions I still apparently feel. So not only was I feeling the trigger itself, but I was feeling surprise that I was experiencing these emotions with such force. These emotions were not new, but it has been awhile, and I was under the impression that I had some closure with some of them. Apparently not.
Well whenever I have any trigger, I do what I always do. I go through the emotional roller coaster, and then I berate myself for having had the emotions in the first place. I can’t help it, it’s habit. I have always had this incredible sense of guilt for having emotion. It’s the athlete in me. As an athlete, I have always been able to suck it up and push my way through anything. I’ve always had the same attitude about emotions. I should be able to just “be over it”. I should be able to just “be fine”. I should be able to conquer the world and not let anything bother me. So, when the trigger is over, I usually get pissed off. Pissed off at myself that I let it bother me in the first place. Pissed off that I experienced emotion.
Through the years, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned what most of my triggers are. I say most because I genuinely believe we are a constant work in progress and that we are never done. I also say most because triggers can change and new things can become triggers for whatever reason. In addition to learning what my triggers are, I have learned how to deal with them, and how to deal with myself. Some days are more successful than others. Some days I look my trigger in the eye, I say not today, and I simply move on. Other days it’s not that simple. The most important thing is learning yourself and learning how to get yourself through it. It won’t be the same every time, so have a couple of different tools and tricks in your toolbox.
The next thing and perhaps the most important thing for me, is learning to forgive myself and to allow myself to feel. It is ok to feel emotion. It is ok to have triggers. It is ok to not be perfect and not have it all figured out. I can still conquer the world and not always have my s**t together 100% of the time. This by far has been the hardest and most challenging thing for me. It goes against every athletic personality trait I have. I don’t always master this, and my default is still to get mad at myself whenever I fall; whenever I don’t control something that I feel like I should be able to control. This last week was the perfect example. It is for this reason that I am sharing this story. We are all a work in progress even those of us that seem like we have it all figured out. I have come a long way, but the more important thing is that I am still continuing on the path and forever growing.