It is often said that offense is the best defense and while I agree with that some of the time, sometimes I think defense is the best defense. One of my best defenses has always been hiding in plain sight. If no one can see me, if no one has any idea that anything is wrong, if no one has any idea that I have a secret then they won’t go searching for it… right?
Take for example the vine kudzu (those who aren’t familiar, reference the picture above); it is an invasive plant that I typically associate seeing on the side of a highway devouring everything in sight. It grows on trees, plants, and whatever is there (I’m sure if you stood there long enough it’d grow on you too). It slowly creates an impenetrable wall of green that one usually cannot see behind. As a kid growing up in the south and driving to swim meets all over, I spent a great deal of time looking out the window and seeing mile after mile of kudzu like a wall of green along the side of the interstate. There could be a house just back from the road and if there was kudzu there you would never know it. Seriously.
It is this image that I have always had of myself and the walls that surround me. While most people build walls around their heart like a castle fortress, I was building a wall of kudzu around a house. The first thing a knight wants to do when he sees a moat, or a castle wall, is to cross it, to scale it. Well if the knight doesn’t see the castle at all, how is he supposed to know he’s even supposed to be fighting? Most of my life I had a secret, a secret so huge I didn’t want anyone to know I had one. I didn’t want someone climbing my wall; I didn’t want people to know I had a wall. So, the best way to hide was to not let anyone know there was anything wrong.
A close friend of mine was the girl everyone wanted. I was envious I’m not gonna lie. She was beautiful, kind, but most importantly she was mysterious. People knew she didn’t let them in and that made them try all the harder to figure her out. On the inside, I wanted someone to fight for me. I wanted someone to scale my walls, I wanted someone to figure me out but I was so terrified because of this secret I had, that I wondered how do you let the one person you want to see you, “see you,” but not let everybody else see you? So, I continued to hide behind my wall of kudzu and no one ever guessed anything was wrong.
I have been told numerous times in my life that I am so open. My favorite was a boy in college that said and I quote “Marge if you were dating anyone, we would all know because you would tell everyone”. I remember just smiling and walking away. Little did he know just how good at keeping secrets I am. Now the fact of the matter is, keeping a secret like sexual abuse is not a secret anyone should keep. It was very harmful to me and it is harmful to anyone. Keeping it inside will NEVER and I repeat NEVER help. Yes, when you first tell, it will be hard and it will likely bring back flashbacks, triggers and trauma, but if you don’t tell, you cannot get the help you need and more importantly, deserve.
At this point in my life, many people know my story. I still have things I don’t talk about, but it is no secret that I was sexually abused. I am glad it’s out there. I am glad that when I go on a date all a guy has to do is google me and find out on his own. It honestly makes the conversation go easier if and when I decide to talk about it in more depth. But there is still that damned kudzu. Just like the real kudzu it is almost impossible to get rid of. As a kid, there were a lot of woods surrounding the house I grew up in. Across the street from my house there was an empty lot and every spring my dad would go out with a can of poison and spray so the baby kudzu vines wouldn’t take hold and take over the neighborhood. It was an ongoing task that he did every year. I am my father’s daughter and I’ve got my can. The kudzu is still there, but I just keep spraying it.
Image by: Emma Frances Logan