Whenever I feel threatened, scared, alone, insecure, or frankly not sure what I’m feeling my first reaction is to retreat. To curl up into a ball and protect myself. I am reminded of the bug’s I loved as a kid. Rollie Pollies, I thought they were so cool. You picked one up, and immediately they went from horizontal, bug-like, to a perfectly round circle. This amazing armor like shell that protected them from the world around them. It was only after some unspecified amount of time if you were patient enough that they would uncurl and then crawl around on your hand.
It is often this image of a roly poly that I have of myself on the inside. Rolling up, curling up, balling up, on the inside to protect myself when I feel the most vulnerable, so that no one can hurt me. What bugs do on the outside, a display to all the world that something is amiss I can hide perfectly in plain sight, all the more camouflaged that something is wrong. Ever since I have been young I have been very protective about letting people in, about letting them see that something is wrong that I am vulnerable. I like to exude a mask, an armor or strength, resilience, of bravo for all the world to see. While there are certainly elements of truth to this, you can be hard and soft at the same time.
As a public speaker people often think I am an extrovert, and for good reason. I talk a lot (in my everyday life as well as publicly), I talk about my inner most demons publicly, and I seem to thrive in social settings. I do a very good job at seeming comfortable with my emotions out in the open. The irony is that I am actually an introvert, I am a very private person and I have very strong boundaries about what I do and don’t share publicly. This might sound odd, but sharing that I was abused isn’t hard for me (well not at this point anymore at least). Yet when I see people on social media talking about their inner most personal emotions about their latest most current relationship I am totally baffled. How can they do that? How can they be so open? How can they put their open wounds, heart, love, fears all out there for everyone to see, hear, touch and judge?
Several years ago, I went through a breakup and I didn’t even tell my closest two friends until a few days after it had happened. I was so devastated that the thought of sharing that intense of an emotion, with anyone, was beyond what I could fathom doing. The thought of someone at work asking me how was so and so doing was an ongoing fear for weeks until I got to a point where I felt like I could answer the sentence and keep a straight face with no emotion showing. Yet in today’s age I see and read people pouring out their hearts and emotions all the time, with no fear or abandon. While I want to curl up on the inside they can find comfort and solace by sharing their truths, their experiences and in some cases their pain with the online world.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a sharer, I am a talker, but only to a very, very, very tiny group of people that heaven help them have made the circle of trust. I say heaven help them because once you are in, I will spill my guts and you will likely hear more than you ever wanted to. I’ve never been very good at the middle, it’s kinda all or nothing with me. These people are very important to me and I reference them often, they are my rock. But the point of all of this isn’t about the right way to share, the right way to feel or the right way to heal. It’s about healing in the way that works for you.
Everyone is different and what works for one person isn’t going to be the same as what works for the next. There is no right or wrong way to do it. If you want to shout out your emotions to the world on social media, do it. I applaud your bravery. I do not have the courage to do that. If you want to curl up like a ball on the inside, that’s ok too. You also aren’t alone. Regardless of how you heal there are others out there doing the same thing. The key is to be respectful of each other and to recognize that we all do it differently and that sometimes the people you think would be one way are in fact the complete opposite.
Photo by: Mauro Rodrigues